September 12th, 2009

jovenile: (Default)
guys. if you read nothing else from my journal anymore, please read this. and please respond, even if it's just good bye or good riddance, because i'll miss you all.

i know this day has been coming, and you know this day has been coming, but i'm afraid i have to call this LJ closed for good.

i'm a little sad - i had a lot of great times here, ran into surprisingly little drama, and posted my first tentative forays in writing here.

when i came here i had little idea of the things i would find, and the person i would become. i didn't know i would end up with a lifelong fascination with love, its various forms, the rampant descrimination against some types of it, and the search for it. i didn't know i would love writing so very much. i had some good laughs and there were a lot of people to love. i used to make fun of my dad for watching star trek - and now i watch star trek with my boyfriend! in some ways, LJ has been priceless towards guiding me to the person i have become today. i lived online and got to know my truest self. i didn't have to pretend to be someone i wasn't; there was acceptance, here.

and then, i was 17. it was a magical year. i got accepted into this program for nerds, where little grade 12 kids could go to a university and decide if that life is for them. i studied linguistics under a brilliant professor, i took a latin course and i took calculus and i met a wonderful boy who was very shy and i asked him out and the rest is history. we are still together.

in truth, my life was just beginning - and it was a real life, a real existence. i spent more time away from the computer, and i find that i liked the world out there. i am not saying that anyone spends too much time online - but i did. and it was cathartic, in a way, to get away from that, and pursue a real existence, which i have.

i will be 20 at the end of october, and it is strange, because i have known some of you for years and years and years. i am not necessarily old, but i feel old. i look at you as big sisters and the occasional big brother, friends and peers and supporters who have let me know that it's okay to be young and that age is not necessarily directly proportional to societal value, intelligence, or depth of feeling. i was a real human being, too, and the online world helped me immensely with that, with growing into myself.

and yet, i think it's time to close that chapter of my life. i no longer feel the need to tell about my day, or to seek validation for my thoughts, although i still do and always will enjoy the communion of thoughts, ideas, experiences. it's just that i don't feel the need to share myself anymore - i have become, i think, a little more private and a little more balanced, and i think i like it.

i'm also sad, because i truly do miss you guys. but the pace of my life has changed so much i can no longer devote myself to this whole online world, to fandom, to fanfic, even to writing. i have not written in a long, long time. i know i will, someday (i hope i will, someday), but for now, there are endless days of classes, work terms, searching and negotiating for sublet terms. hell, some days i can't devote myself to washing my hair and eating regular meals. it's no offence; i am stretched thin and have no more resources to give. i'm sorry.

it's strange to finalize this. i knew i was mostly out of this whole LJ thing, but it makes me sad to actually admit it. i just want you all to know that i had a great time, and you were great people, and even though we don't talk anymore, i truly appreciate what you have imparted to me, and you have made my first online experiences richer, more fun, and more satisfying than any 13 year old girl could have hoped for. you are all in my thoughts, though you may never hear it...

i will still visit from time to time. you will see me lurking in your comments. you can find me on facebook, if you like. nothing and no one is ever truly lost.

live long and prosper, my friends, and yudan sezou ni ikou.



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