September 5th, 2012

jovenile: (last stand.)
i don't know how to express myself anymore but i also don't know how not to, so i'll just do it.

honestly i hate everything i've become. i bought into the idea that money equals happiness but it's not true. i'm not happy. i hate my degree. i didn't enjoy any of the internships i did. the idea of doing this for the rest of my life creates a feeling of such overwhelming despair that i sometimes can't move from me. now i am 22 and living in my parents' home and cursing my poor life decisions, and them, and myself. for five years i lived like a slave, pulling late nights and hating every minute of it; i stayed in disgusting dumps so i could afford tuition and groceries; i ate like so much shit that i gained a ton of weight and i feel unhealthy and gross but when i think about going to the gym it's like torture and when i think about counting calories i want to shoot myself. i have sleep issues from here to mars; i can't go to bed before 3 a.m. and somehow this is all my fault - because a sleep disorder can just be cured by going to bed early. sleeping early will also apparently cure all the depressive qualities that i have.

i have nothing to show for all my sacrifices except a piece of paper that says i graduated. i don't even feel like i earned that much.

when i decided the shape the rest of my life was going to take, i was 17 - younger than my sister is now. she's going back for a fifth year of high school and i wish i'd had the courage to do what she's doing; i wish i could've stood up for myself and done what i wanted to instead of doing what i thought would be 'best'. i wanted to prove to myself that i could do the difficult thing, because for some fucked-up reason i can't accept that good enough is good enough. i should have been less rash and more wise but hindsight is always 20/20. i wanted my dad to be proud of me and he's never said those words once, because he isn't. i should have done better. and i should stop trying to deflect the blame; i made these decisions and now i have to live with them. it was no one's choice but my own and the final choice was always mine. now my bed's made and i should stop blaming others.

i had dreams of studying english and now those dreams are dust because i can't afford to be in school for an additional four years: i'm poor, i'm exhausted, i'm emotionally dead, and eating as unhealthily as i did for that long again will probably actually kill me. i don't want to be a perpetual student; i want to get the rest of my life underway. my boyfriend is unemployed and being a provider rests on my shoulders. i want to get married and have kids while i'm still young. i have goals i want to accomplish and going another round doesn't figure into those goals. no law school will take me and no business program either; anyway i'm not sure that's what i want to do. i don't know what i want to do.

it's been five months since my exams ended, and three months since i graduated. it's time i found a job and moved on, but it's fucking hard to be okay when i realize that the rest of my life is going to be like this. i focus on the irrelevant because i am crippled by the fear of failure: i picture HR recruiters looking at my resume and laughing. never mind that i have several big name companies on my resume; i feel like i was a failure in school and i'll be a failure at work. i'm scared to take that risk because i feel like i'll screw up the interviews, and even if i don't i feel like i'll screw up the job. i don't think i'm a good engineer. i don't even feel like i'm an okay engineer. i don't enjoy anything, and i don't feel like i am good at anything, anymore.

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calamity jo

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