jovenile: (dutybound.)
i never thought i'd say this, but i miss school. don't misunderstand: i spent so many nights sleepless, senseless, or sobbing on the phone. i've never said, "i can't do this anymore," so many times in my life. i had to give up so many things just to keep afloat - karate, guitar, writing, reading, gaming. looking back on it, could i have worked harder? sure i could. but to be honest it wasn't what i wanted. still isn't.

what i miss is the sense of cameraderie that comes when there are sixty people (half of whom switch out, fail out, or drop out) all in together through the longest haul of their lives so far. i miss the nights of sitting in the silent study, catnapping beneath a cubicle, going on coffee runs, all-nightering it with six of us working on a single black-body heat transfer problem until everything clicks into place. i miss that sense of solidarity, that bond forged in the closest thing to a battlefield we will ever experience. i miss lengthy conversations about everything from philosophy to sex to music to job hunting; late-night bowls of steaming spicy udon and bubble tea; twenty-minute debates about where to grab lunch because everything tastes horrible when you've had it so often. i miss sushi outings, birthday drinking, two a.m. assignment submissions and the sound of the street at midnight walking home. that's what i miss.









time to put on my big girl panties and look for a job, i guess. i don't think i will ever not hate this.
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calamity jo

November 2015

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