jovenile: (a detective and his doctor.)
my counsellor says that i have this habit of negative anticipation - apparently i tend to think of the worst possible thing that could happen, and then move forward with that as the operating assumption.

it's not something i can exactly help. i've been wired to think this way since i was a small, small child. everything is a competition - against myself, against everyone else, and no one enters a competition looking to settle for second place. when i am (inevitably) disappointed, it only amplifies the vague feelings of inadequacy that have accompanied me for, oh, my entire life.

and it isn't as if i am a stranger to failure. i failed 'chemical engineering reactions' (pretty much one of the flagship courses of chemical engineering) with a 47. i was shopping with my friend when i found out - because everyone in our class was obsessed with checking their marks - and i called my boyfriend at home to make him check for me. it was the only course i've ever failed. i retook the exam with a different prof, learning material i never had to the first time around without the benefit of sitting in on his classes, and passed, so i know i am capable of dealing. but it doesn't stop that feeling, and i can't fix the way i think.

i should be better.

'should,' my counsellor says, 'is an ugly word that needs to be eliminated from the english language.' but i can't help thinking in temrs of shoulds: i should have studied harder; i should hunt for a job; i should stop deflecting and just shoulder these responsibilities; i should lose weight; i should eat healthier; i should go to the gym; i should clean; i should stop buying clothes and nail polish; i should get my hair cut and my eyebrows done; i should write more; i should try and submit my poetry somewhere. i should just be better. why aren't i better?

i should have left this teenage angst back in my teenage years.

i should be bigger than this.
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November 2015

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