jovenile: (last stand.)
i don't know how to express myself anymore but i also don't know how not to, so i'll just do it.

honestly i hate everything i've become. i bought into the idea that money equals happiness but it's not true. i'm not happy. i hate my degree. i didn't enjoy any of the internships i did. the idea of doing this for the rest of my life creates a feeling of such overwhelming despair that i sometimes can't move from me. now i am 22 and living in my parents' home and cursing my poor life decisions, and them, and myself. for five years i lived like a slave, pulling late nights and hating every minute of it; i stayed in disgusting dumps so i could afford tuition and groceries; i ate like so much shit that i gained a ton of weight and i feel unhealthy and gross but when i think about going to the gym it's like torture and when i think about counting calories i want to shoot myself. i have sleep issues from here to mars; i can't go to bed before 3 a.m. and somehow this is all my fault - because a sleep disorder can just be cured by going to bed early. sleeping early will also apparently cure all the depressive qualities that i have.

i have nothing to show for all my sacrifices except a piece of paper that says i graduated. i don't even feel like i earned that much.

when i decided the shape the rest of my life was going to take, i was 17 - younger than my sister is now. she's going back for a fifth year of high school and i wish i'd had the courage to do what she's doing; i wish i could've stood up for myself and done what i wanted to instead of doing what i thought would be 'best'. i wanted to prove to myself that i could do the difficult thing, because for some fucked-up reason i can't accept that good enough is good enough. i should have been less rash and more wise but hindsight is always 20/20. i wanted my dad to be proud of me and he's never said those words once, because he isn't. i should have done better. and i should stop trying to deflect the blame; i made these decisions and now i have to live with them. it was no one's choice but my own and the final choice was always mine. now my bed's made and i should stop blaming others.

i had dreams of studying english and now those dreams are dust because i can't afford to be in school for an additional four years: i'm poor, i'm exhausted, i'm emotionally dead, and eating as unhealthily as i did for that long again will probably actually kill me. i don't want to be a perpetual student; i want to get the rest of my life underway. my boyfriend is unemployed and being a provider rests on my shoulders. i want to get married and have kids while i'm still young. i have goals i want to accomplish and going another round doesn't figure into those goals. no law school will take me and no business program either; anyway i'm not sure that's what i want to do. i don't know what i want to do.

it's been five months since my exams ended, and three months since i graduated. it's time i found a job and moved on, but it's fucking hard to be okay when i realize that the rest of my life is going to be like this. i focus on the irrelevant because i am crippled by the fear of failure: i picture HR recruiters looking at my resume and laughing. never mind that i have several big name companies on my resume; i feel like i was a failure in school and i'll be a failure at work. i'm scared to take that risk because i feel like i'll screw up the interviews, and even if i don't i feel like i'll screw up the job. i don't think i'm a good engineer. i don't even feel like i'm an okay engineer. i don't enjoy anything, and i don't feel like i am good at anything, anymore.

Date: 4/11/12 11:51 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
This might not help a whole lot, but it's what I've got:

School sucks. Job hunting right out of school sucks. It's not you: it's the system. Don't blame yourself for its failings.

It gets better.

Go dancing, and don't care what the other people think. It'll toughen your skin, and lighten your waistline and (if you do it right) your soul.

Don't be afraid of screwing up. Only the blindly neurotic (of which there are unfortunately too many) cannot handle occasional failure, and the truly successful are often just those who have learned how to screw up more vigorously.

And remember that at fifteen, you were writing things that made a bitter jaded old man tingle. I doubt you need college to make you any better at that.

Cheers, love.

Date: 11/12/12 11:06 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile]
Yeah, you'll do fine. The sudden freedom most folks get at 18 can seem like a jail sentence, but it's not (once you learn to cope with the options and risks ZOMG).

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calamity jo

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