jovenile: (Default)
guys. if you read nothing else from my journal anymore, please read this. and please respond, even if it's just good bye or good riddance, because i'll miss you all.

i know this day has been coming, and you know this day has been coming, but i'm afraid i have to call this LJ closed for good.

i'm a little sad - i had a lot of great times here, ran into surprisingly little drama, and posted my first tentative forays in writing here.

when i came here i had little idea of the things i would find, and the person i would become. i didn't know i would end up with a lifelong fascination with love, its various forms, the rampant descrimination against some types of it, and the search for it. i didn't know i would love writing so very much. i had some good laughs and there were a lot of people to love. i used to make fun of my dad for watching star trek - and now i watch star trek with my boyfriend! in some ways, LJ has been priceless towards guiding me to the person i have become today. i lived online and got to know my truest self. i didn't have to pretend to be someone i wasn't; there was acceptance, here.

and then, i was 17. it was a magical year. i got accepted into this program for nerds, where little grade 12 kids could go to a university and decide if that life is for them. i studied linguistics under a brilliant professor, i took a latin course and i took calculus and i met a wonderful boy who was very shy and i asked him out and the rest is history. we are still together.

in truth, my life was just beginning - and it was a real life, a real existence. i spent more time away from the computer, and i find that i liked the world out there. i am not saying that anyone spends too much time online - but i did. and it was cathartic, in a way, to get away from that, and pursue a real existence, which i have.

i will be 20 at the end of october, and it is strange, because i have known some of you for years and years and years. i am not necessarily old, but i feel old. i look at you as big sisters and the occasional big brother, friends and peers and supporters who have let me know that it's okay to be young and that age is not necessarily directly proportional to societal value, intelligence, or depth of feeling. i was a real human being, too, and the online world helped me immensely with that, with growing into myself.

and yet, i think it's time to close that chapter of my life. i no longer feel the need to tell about my day, or to seek validation for my thoughts, although i still do and always will enjoy the communion of thoughts, ideas, experiences. it's just that i don't feel the need to share myself anymore - i have become, i think, a little more private and a little more balanced, and i think i like it.

i'm also sad, because i truly do miss you guys. but the pace of my life has changed so much i can no longer devote myself to this whole online world, to fandom, to fanfic, even to writing. i have not written in a long, long time. i know i will, someday (i hope i will, someday), but for now, there are endless days of classes, work terms, searching and negotiating for sublet terms. hell, some days i can't devote myself to washing my hair and eating regular meals. it's no offence; i am stretched thin and have no more resources to give. i'm sorry.

it's strange to finalize this. i knew i was mostly out of this whole LJ thing, but it makes me sad to actually admit it. i just want you all to know that i had a great time, and you were great people, and even though we don't talk anymore, i truly appreciate what you have imparted to me, and you have made my first online experiences richer, more fun, and more satisfying than any 13 year old girl could have hoped for. you are all in my thoughts, though you may never hear it...

i will still visit from time to time. you will see me lurking in your comments. you can find me on facebook, if you like. nothing and no one is ever truly lost.

live long and prosper, my friends, and yudan sezou ni ikou.

♥.

Date: 13/9/09 07:12 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] neongreenleaf.livejournal.com
I feel like such a nerd for being the first to respond but whatever. This doesn't really surprise me, I though you were one of those people who had completely abandoned their journal altogether. Thank you though, for saying goodbye. No need to wonder if you died or anything awful like that you know?

We're friends on Facebook, and yes you're in my stalker feed. Isn't that weird? I know what's going on in your life, but I'm not really a part of it. What a weird concept. I guess I can try to be more active on there and not as creepy? idrk.

RIP penm. The good times were good and the bad times were even better. Cheers.

Date: 20/9/09 12:44 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
i do keep an eye on your updates as well. :) it helps me keep connected. it is weird to see you in a different context, as a person with a face, and not just an icon with lovely words. and yeah, i know what you mean re: knows what's going on and not really being part of it. facebook is voyeurism, i guess.

don't think of it as an end. it's just a detour. i mean, we're all gonna meet again, right? we're not all separated as much as we think.

seriously, if you feel like it, hit me up on facebook anytime. i will try to do the same. :)

Date: 13/9/09 08:47 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] frooit.livejournal.com
Ah, I'll remember the good times.

Date: 20/9/09 12:45 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
me too :)

hey! did you hear they're making a new BDS? you probably have, because, i mean, you love those boys, but i didn't find out until recently. man, i remember craving a sequel and apparently, finally, after all these years, they're making it! all saints day, baby. i'll be thinking of you! :>

Date: 13/9/09 10:51 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] ajodasso.livejournal.com
ext_13979: (Firelily)
Good to hear from you, even if only briefly ♥ See you around!

Date: 20/9/09 12:47 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
i have you on facebook. i do a bit of creeping. i'll see you around on there :)

i re-read the story about your red admiral the other day. the first time i read it, i was moved to tears. the last time i read it, i got this huge feeling of inner peace.

Date: 13/9/09 01:08 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] lilting-grace.livejournal.com
I'm one of those "always reads, never ever comments" lj readers that drives everyone nuts.

I'm so amazed that your life has so much in it. I mean, in a good way- it'd be really nice to have a life so full of real-world stuff that the internet just falls away. Maybe if I ever get back to school, heh.

I'll miss reading your entries, but hope that you have great fun and success. I wish you (continuing) good luck with the world!

Date: 20/9/09 12:49 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
it's all good. i do that too.

thank you for the well wishes. maybe one day if i escape engineering hell, i will have more things to write about, and more time in which to write.

thank you, and good luck to you as well :)!

Date: 13/9/09 02:22 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] dragongirl-g.livejournal.com
I have missed reading your writing, which I always found beautiful, but I know full well how life goes on after fandom, livejournal, and even a university education. I wish you the best of luck with your studies and hope to keep in touch.

(I also hope that you never thought I was too much of a stalker, because I'm one of those people who lurks and never comments. I am on facebook, though, if you'd like to add me...)

Date: 20/9/09 12:51 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
i have missed writing. there's a freedom that i can't find in equations and work term reports.

you were neverrrr a stalker. you were here from the beginning :) during the big harry potter phase!

i'm on facebook - username jlitingtun. see you there :)!

Date: 13/9/09 02:33 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] occultebelta.livejournal.com
I've done much the same thing - I rarely post, I read for other entries, but I don't feel the need to share as I did once.
I understand.

We're on facebook together already, so I will see you there!

Date: 20/9/09 12:52 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
:)

i will see you around. i know i don't wall you at all, but i keep a look out every now and then.

Date: 13/9/09 06:06 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] saisun.livejournal.com
::hankywave from an escapist's distant shores::

Live.

Date: 20/9/09 12:52 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
*waves back from stern of ship*

you too, bb :)

Date: 13/9/09 07:18 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] linaelyn.livejournal.com
it's okay to be young and that age is not necessarily directly proportional to societal value, intelligence, or depth of feeling.

I will miss (and have missed) your precocious wisdom and your vibrant, articulate writing, both LJ entries and fiction. Fair winds and a following sea, dear heart. You will always be in my thoughts.

Date: 20/9/09 12:53 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
you, for certain, will see me in your comments one of these days.

thank you. <3.

Date: 13/9/09 09:02 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] erisedraine.livejournal.com
Sayounara my friend. It's been great getting to know you through your LJ, and I wish you well in the future.

Date: 20/9/09 12:54 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
likewise! good luck with everything. you truly deserve it :>

Date: 13/9/09 09:05 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] hellocalamity.livejournal.com
I've missed you but it's good to know you're doing well. You've always seemed older than your years, and I have to say I'm rather jealous that you've found your own ... peace with life, I guess, and contentment, at such a young age. But I wish you the best on all your future endeavors, whatever they may be.

Also, add me on facebook - my page is here (http://www.facebook.com/estes.rebecca)!

Date: 20/9/09 12:55 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
some days it's good and some days it's not... but i find that i like myself more now than i did, say, five years ago. it's stunning. i never thought i'd get here.

i will see you on fb!

Date: 13/9/09 09:22 pm (UTC)From: [personal profile] venivincere
venivincere: (Default)
We'll miss you -- but we'll be here when you want to visit. Take care of yourself and good luck with everything! *hugs*

Date: 20/9/09 12:56 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
thank you! i'll be here one day with fiction, or because i miss this community so bad. i shall see you around :)
KITTO

KITTO

SONNA ASE WA CRYSTAL

EIKOU WO

ATSUMETE

NIJIIIIIIIII

KAGAYAKU

Date: 14/9/09 03:47 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] flyingteapot.livejournal.com
holy shit, no really. i'm remembering talking soco songs and you telling me how walking by was beautiful and i went and downloaded it and of course you were right. and punk rock princess was like, your freaking theme song. and the tezu/ryo. and - and. JUST HIT ME UP ON FB TOO BB (http://www.facebook.com/spookfish) :<<<

Date: 20/9/09 12:57 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
tezuryo foreverrrrrrrrrrrr.

i think i am still a little bit of a punk rock princess at heart. not a lot. just a tiny bit.

and hey, heads up - if you like soco, you'll like jack's mannequin.

i am trying to add you to fb but it won't work - maybe add me? my username is jlitingtun. i will see you there~!

Date: 14/9/09 04:52 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] twentyfivepast.livejournal.com
Yeah. I think I'm heading that way myself, too. Take care of yourself, and enjoy your life. ♥ ♥

Date: 20/9/09 12:58 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
it's surreal to think that you were here since i was 'ewa'. :>

good luck with all your endeavours, whatever they may be.

Date: 14/9/09 06:05 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] gypsy-nightfire.livejournal.com
I'll see you around, little sister.

~Nightfire.

Date: 20/9/09 12:59 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
you will.

lord and lady smile upon you, nightfire, wherever you go.

Date: 14/9/09 06:19 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] pinkdormouse.livejournal.com
Lovely to hear from you, and it's great to hear how well your life is going. I'm not on Facebook and probably never will be (on Linked In and Friends Reunited, which i quite enough places for my real name to be seen). Hope things continue to go brilliantly for you.

HUGS HUGS HUGS

Date: 20/9/09 01:00 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
thank you thank you so much. don't think i never notice that you always, unfailingly, comment on my posts - i do, and i am forever and ever grateful. :) i have never said it, but i know you've always been there to listen.

good luck with everything always. <3!

Date: 15/9/09 01:45 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] fiere.livejournal.com
I can stalk you on facebook so I'm not too upset but it's still the end of an era, a little. The penm is dead, long live Joanna I guess? ♥

Date: 20/9/09 01:02 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
i stalk you on facebook too. to be honest, i think this was coming for a long time, for years... it softens the blow, but it's still a little sad.

i will see you on facebook, my dear :)

Date: 15/9/09 06:08 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] bloodybrilliant.livejournal.com


Good luck with everything you strive for in life! May you achieve it and then some :)

Date: 20/9/09 01:02 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
thank you so much :) <3 man, i am getting kinda teary right now.

i wish you all the best as well.

Date: 18/2/10 07:56 am (UTC)From: [personal profile] aidenfire
aidenfire: (Default)
I was thinking of you today. I hope everything is still well with you, I still think of your writing sometimes. :)

Date: 22/2/10 02:57 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] penm.livejournal.com
i sometimes think about the world i left behind here. and all the words i never got to set free.

i think i just need to find my voice - it's weird, and hard, and it's changed but i think it's something i could do again, someday.

i hope everything is well with you, also :)

Date: 28/8/10 01:40 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] ravenndark.livejournal.com
I was talking to Annyen tonight and, for some reason, I logged onto my old LJ.

I had transitioned from this one to another one that I ended up never posting in.

I miss how the three of us used to angst together.

I reread some of my writings. They were good.

I reread some of yours. They were amazing.

I miss a lot of who I was then. I listened to music and wrote and angsted way too much, but there was a creative side of me then that I have certainly lost. I do not know how to get it back.

I hope that you haven't left LJ for the same reason.

I just need to find a voice, deep inside. I hope you have found yours.
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