jovenile: (old heroes die hard.)
Depression, to me, feels like being underwater, deep, deep in the belly of the sea, except my scuba gear won't work and I'm paralyzed because I realize if I stay down here I'll drown and if I claw my way to the surface I'll die of decompression sickness, so I do nothing. And it's like being surrounded by people with perfectly functional gear, who either don't understand why I'm being so melodramatic and get bored, or who tell me that if I just "Think positive!" I'll be able to fix or move past this fundamental flaw in my equipment, or who think that I should just stop whining and get on with things. And the kicker is, even though I know if I do nothing I will be stuck here - flailing, suffering, scared - I don't want to do anything to save myself. And that's something I can't or don't know how to explain. I should want to save myself but I don't; I just want to stop fighting and let the ocean carry me somewhere. Anywhere.

Sometimes I make a few token struggles to get better, to do something, but in the end it doesn't work, and I don't know how to parse what follows: is it resignation or acceptance or what? Am I pleased with failing, because it's safe and I don't know how to live in any other way? I don't know how to fix me and moreover I'm scared I don't want to. But I can't keep living like this; something has to give, or else break.

Even things that make me happy - cooking, reading, sex, gaming, talking to friends, everything everything everything - require a huge amount of effort, and the things that make me unhappy - job hunting, going to the gym - drain me for days at a time.

I can't keep waiting for myself to get better because I don't think I am going to get better, and I can't keep standing still.

I don't know what to do or how to deal.
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November 2015

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